am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
