I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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