I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
