I wish I could teleport
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
we made out on top of his cat.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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