Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
