It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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