she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
