if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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