maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I wear drunk well.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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