Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
