There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
