somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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