if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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