he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I skipped work to stalk him.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
