i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
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