I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
