My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
