she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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