I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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