My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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