no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize