I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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