That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
