my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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