What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize