she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
