I saw his package. It spoke to me.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
