dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
