so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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