also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize