I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i dont even know how to be here
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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