The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
