pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
