You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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