Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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