you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
