And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Of course I have a pirate flag
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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