She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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