i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
