Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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