Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize