forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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