youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
