I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
