i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
