why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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