My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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