i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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