So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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