do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
