He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
