nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
