Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
