Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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