pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
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