I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
